Practice Connection

I see clients who are often struggling with relationships in their families.While these individuals come from a variety of cultural backgrounds and family histories, similar themes arise when describing what’s most painful about how they experience their parents, siblings, spouses, and extended family. Many are exhausted with the pressure to perform, provide, or placate, which easily leads to resentment, loneliness, and shame, just to name a few. More often than not, the task I suggest to any family member is mostly the same- connect with yourself first. When people develop their self-awareness and learn to attune to their own emotions, beliefs, and desires, they are more equipped to connect better with others in their family and outside of it. How attuned one is to themselves largely affects how they will relate to a future partner, which then sets the tone for parenting, connecting with their children, and modeling how siblings can connect with one another. This is why so many family dynamics are cyclical and repeat themselves. Connecting better with oneself, allows for interruption to destructive patterns. 

For Children (minors or adults):

As you learn to connect better with yourself, it doesn’t mean you should do it all alone. Support from at least one safe person is crucial; therapy is one possible way to get that. It’s also not a child’s job to make connection happen with parents. However, I work with a lot of adult children and developing self-awareness becomes a part of their journey to making peace with the challenges of past and ongoing family dynamics and figuring out what kind of relationship is possible moving forward. If abuse occurred or is occurring, the priority is getting safe. 

Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline: 800-422-4453

  1. Begin with NOTICING and IDENTIFYING the emotion you may be experiencing. If you can be honest and learn to name the feeling, you gain vital information about what you are needing. Take a look at this feelings wheel and develop your emotional language: https://feelingswheel.com/

  2. Give time to learning about your interests, preferences, strengths, and weaknesses. When you increase your self-knowledge, develop an authentic sense-of-self, and work from your strengths, it is much easier to live a life aligned with your personal values.

  3. Develop your SELF-COMPASSION. If you notice a critical voice within yourself, it would be important to get curious. What’s this part of you trying to accomplish or help with? Does it realize that it’s not always helpful? Try making it a regular practice to acknowledge these critical parts and also to ask them to give more space and confidence to the hurting parts that need compassion. You might say something like “hello, I see you and thank you for trying to make sure I am successful/ don’t embarrass myself/ etc. But I’m just learning to be me and I’m allowed to make mistakes. I want to connect with people who will accept me for who I am.” 


For Parents: 

When it comes to addressing the struggles of your children, you may feel afraid of being blamed for things that don’t go well. You work really hard to create opportunities for your kids. When things don’t seem to go as planned and if they don’t respond positively to your efforts, it can be really scary. Parents, after all, know this secret: we are just adult children. We want to belong and we want to feel safe. When things are challenging our expectations, it can seem like the risks will overcome us. 

Whatever your family dynamics are, children don’t need perfection, they need CONNECTION. This is so freeing for many parents. Perfectionism is not a focus on betterment, rather, it is the condition of being impossible to please. So, do not demand it from yourself or your kids. 

  1. One way to connect is to EXPRESS CURIOSITY. You don’t always have to do this by asking questions. Sometimes that can feel like an interrogation. Rather, you might start to use the words NOTICE and WONDER. “I notice you’re not speaking very much today, I wonder if anything is bothering you.” 

  2. Leave room for silence. It’s ok if you don’t get answers. You are inviting your child to connect, not forcing them. 

  3. Offer your PRESENCE. Demonstrate a desire to enter your child’s world. You might ask to watch them play their favorite video game or even play a round with them. You don’t have to have the same interests, but willingness to be there without judgement lets them know you care to know them and you accept them even if they’re different from you. You might learn more about them and even learn from them. If they decline, it’s ok to notice the possibility of feeling rejection within yourself. And it would be important that you try to depersonalize that, find ways to care for yourself, and try again. 

If you’re wanting support in caring and connecting better with yourself, let’s talk. You can schedule a free consult with me here.